So it's been a while and everything so far is the same as it's been. The next phase in my life starts next friday and I still don't have everything ready for school. Hopefully everything will be in order for the first day of the fall semester.
Today I got to thinking about my surroundings and who I spend my time with. I've always been very family oriented but lately it seems like we're all at each others throats. None of us have been able to just sit down and talk without the conversation turning into a riot and I've even felt out of place with friends. I go through different phases where I feel at peace with my environment and other times I just don't seem to be able to fit in. Starting at a new school is sort of opening my eyes to how i truly spend my time. And while speaking to a friend I discovered that I do desire a change of scene, a new environment (and this included a change of the people around me.)
I'm not sure if i should feel bad about the fact that i don't necessarily want to hang out with the same people and sit around doing the same things. I want to be able to be my own individual and if that means loosing some baggage in the process well, so be it. All I do know is that I need to fly from the nest, and even if that's merely metaphorical speaking it will lead to a brooding of all my horizons and therefore make me take the next step in one of many metamorphoses.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Red light, pause.
It's been a few days and I was tempted to return as soon as I posted my last, but I didn't want it to seem like I was addicted. A couple of days have gone by and I'm not in the greatest of moods but I will say I'm super excited for school to begin. Growing up comes with many responsibilities, but I feel that I might just be capable to face them. I feel as if I'm finally coming to terms with what is next for me. It is weird to have to do things all on ones own, but it gives the heart a sense of belonging. Maybe even the feeling of being needed, even if the need is your own. All I can say is that I am looking forward to what the future can hold and at least for me, for now, the glass is most definitely half full.
Friday, August 5, 2011
A rambling of the heart.
Earlier on today I can truly say that I did have a mini break down. I sobbed and I can say I was even physically hurting. I'm not going to go ahead and say that everything is okay now because I know for a fact that it isn't, but I am currently in a better mood than I was before. I did a lot of talking to God and even wrote in my journal for a bit and realized that I don't think I'm necessarily happy. I don't really have any true sense of self worth, and I know that is something that I'll have to work on, but I have gone through many events that have broken me and at the time broken who I thought I was and maybe could be.
I have had a strong faith in God since my early childhood. My roots in Christianity run deep, more so now than before (since being older I obviously have a more clear understanding of who God is) but that's not to say that things have gotten any easier. I think that later on I'll get the courage to share some of the things I've gone through and hopefully some of you may relate and switch gears to try and find "the light". All I do know is that there really is a God and although maybe sometimes I do feel as if I might be going at it alone, but that doesn't mean that I am, or in retrospect that we are. I feel that in order to move forward we must let go of the past, and that isn't something I've proven to be good at. There are many things left unsaid to many of those that have touched my life. And many things that (vulgarly speaking) I just haven't had the balls to say. I was never truly honest with anyone in the sense that I never said what I truly felt, therefore not even being honest with my own self. Now, and going onward I know that is something I must work on because I can't bear to live with all my feelings lurking over my head. But going back to the BIG man in the sky, that is one of the things that the Church teaches you first: You are never alone.
It's hard to believe especially when situations in life are difficult and out of control, but it all goes down to faith. The faith that things will get better and that these events and all the craziness of the world is somehow molding us and making us stronger. But God knows what he does and what he allows to happen in our lives. And many of the things that we feel are unfair come to us in our own disobedience (but that's like common knowledge) like the idiom says "Play with fire, you will get burned". And many of you may call me crazy or maybe think that what I say means nothing. But for that one person out there who might just come across this, if you feel like you're going through difficult times and you really don't know what to do anymore. If you feel like you honestly can't anymore and you feel lonely and maybe like you don' t fit in anywhere (even in your family), I'm here to tell you those are all things I feel too and there is a God that watches over you and is waiting for you to just acknowledge that he's been there the whole time. To you, reading this right now,
You. Are not. Alone.
I have had a strong faith in God since my early childhood. My roots in Christianity run deep, more so now than before (since being older I obviously have a more clear understanding of who God is) but that's not to say that things have gotten any easier. I think that later on I'll get the courage to share some of the things I've gone through and hopefully some of you may relate and switch gears to try and find "the light". All I do know is that there really is a God and although maybe sometimes I do feel as if I might be going at it alone, but that doesn't mean that I am, or in retrospect that we are. I feel that in order to move forward we must let go of the past, and that isn't something I've proven to be good at. There are many things left unsaid to many of those that have touched my life. And many things that (vulgarly speaking) I just haven't had the balls to say. I was never truly honest with anyone in the sense that I never said what I truly felt, therefore not even being honest with my own self. Now, and going onward I know that is something I must work on because I can't bear to live with all my feelings lurking over my head. But going back to the BIG man in the sky, that is one of the things that the Church teaches you first: You are never alone.
It's hard to believe especially when situations in life are difficult and out of control, but it all goes down to faith. The faith that things will get better and that these events and all the craziness of the world is somehow molding us and making us stronger. But God knows what he does and what he allows to happen in our lives. And many of the things that we feel are unfair come to us in our own disobedience (but that's like common knowledge) like the idiom says "Play with fire, you will get burned". And many of you may call me crazy or maybe think that what I say means nothing. But for that one person out there who might just come across this, if you feel like you're going through difficult times and you really don't know what to do anymore. If you feel like you honestly can't anymore and you feel lonely and maybe like you don' t fit in anywhere (even in your family), I'm here to tell you those are all things I feel too and there is a God that watches over you and is waiting for you to just acknowledge that he's been there the whole time. To you, reading this right now,
You. Are not. Alone.
Seasons.
They come and go, and no matter how cliche that may sound, it is indeed true. While thinking of a name for this blog, I tried to sum up the state in which my life finds itself. And the best thing I could conjure up was "A new leaf," all in all the statement is true. Although not as witty and clever as most, but true.
Taking a step back to review my current condition at the moment, I would say (in the words of a friend) that life right now is organized chaos. Everything is seemingly in place but at the same time out of control. I am anxious of what awaits me next but still trying to close the last chapter of my life, High School. Yes, four years of trial and error and "growing up".One thing I do know is that my experience was not like those in every other Hollywood movie. HS in New York City is rough, especially if the school is not of prestigious reputation and being in an urban environment also affects the whole experience. There were no "mean girls" or ubber peppy cheerleaders. The smart kids weren't called nerds and the artsy ones definitely did not walk around in tribal formation. Being in the city forced kids to mingle even if at the end of the day they went back to the niche. And when kids "picked" on one another it wasn't only nasty remarks or silly pranks. Fights blew out and even stolen work was an issue. HS was nothing to joke about, a cruel, cold, dark place. Where we all managed to make friends and build memories that would (could) last a lifetime. But if you played your cards right (which i did, most of the time) you would be out at the end of four years time. And the irony in it all was that graduation always turned out a very melancholic event. Filled with tears and hugs, laughter and celebration all with relief and underlying panic of what was to come for most of us, a Higher Education.
So HS is over. What now?
I am looking forward to college now that August 26th is well on its way, but I am anxious to see what it'll be like. So much so that maybe I wish I was born a year later so that I would be a senior instead of a freshman once more. What kills the most is all the "back to school" propaganda, commercials and department store sales that remind me again of when I was, "in the system". I do know that I will feel some sort of nostalgia when I walk through those doors, but what I do think of most now is what lies beyond it. What my future holds and what's to become of my life.
How I spend the next four years will determine a lot about the turnout of my existence. I just hope that I spend the time wisely and pray to God that He helps me find my way to my true calling.
Taking a step back to review my current condition at the moment, I would say (in the words of a friend) that life right now is organized chaos. Everything is seemingly in place but at the same time out of control. I am anxious of what awaits me next but still trying to close the last chapter of my life, High School. Yes, four years of trial and error and "growing up".One thing I do know is that my experience was not like those in every other Hollywood movie. HS in New York City is rough, especially if the school is not of prestigious reputation and being in an urban environment also affects the whole experience. There were no "mean girls" or ubber peppy cheerleaders. The smart kids weren't called nerds and the artsy ones definitely did not walk around in tribal formation. Being in the city forced kids to mingle even if at the end of the day they went back to the niche. And when kids "picked" on one another it wasn't only nasty remarks or silly pranks. Fights blew out and even stolen work was an issue. HS was nothing to joke about, a cruel, cold, dark place. Where we all managed to make friends and build memories that would (could) last a lifetime. But if you played your cards right (which i did, most of the time) you would be out at the end of four years time. And the irony in it all was that graduation always turned out a very melancholic event. Filled with tears and hugs, laughter and celebration all with relief and underlying panic of what was to come for most of us, a Higher Education.
So HS is over. What now?
I am looking forward to college now that August 26th is well on its way, but I am anxious to see what it'll be like. So much so that maybe I wish I was born a year later so that I would be a senior instead of a freshman once more. What kills the most is all the "back to school" propaganda, commercials and department store sales that remind me again of when I was, "in the system". I do know that I will feel some sort of nostalgia when I walk through those doors, but what I do think of most now is what lies beyond it. What my future holds and what's to become of my life.
How I spend the next four years will determine a lot about the turnout of my existence. I just hope that I spend the time wisely and pray to God that He helps me find my way to my true calling.
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