Wanderings

So I just had an argument with my mom. I'm not really in the mood for anything and I suck at cheering myself up. So when I thought of something to do to blow off steam the first thing that came to mind was writing. And come to think of it I haven't written anything in my actual notebook in a very long time. But sitting here with all these things on my mind I'm not even mad, I'm just frustrated, My mom came home and told me something that bothered me. Someone we know told her to "watch her kids" and to be careful because I wasn't the same anymore. And that definitely hit me from way out in left field because of who said it and the fact that they LEGIT know nothing about me, not like that anyway. We do interact frequently and stuff but the person knows nothing about me and to think they can make an accusation like that bothers me. It doesn't seem like a big deal but I know that it was said in a condescending manner. As if I'm doing anything foolish, psh please!! And what upsets me more is the fact that this kind of thing always happens.

I don't like fighting with my mom. I love her and I'm very close to her but she grew up with limited resources in a country that wishes it were the United States. Life has not been easy for her and she can sometimes be very close minded. I know she means well but it's just hard sometimes not to bump heads. And it sucks cause I've been doing it my whole life. I sorta feel bad now at the way I might've snapped at her it just really upsets me when people don't mind their business and talk about other people they have absolutely no clue about. Plain and simple just shut up. *sighs*

Whatever. I just needed to clear my head and this is what I do. So...yeah, goodnight I guess.

Double Take

So it looks like I'm being totally blog obsessed because I'm posting twice under the same date, but i promise I'm not. I got my laptop this morning at like 2am (my mom totally surprised me) and now I'm sitting in Barnes&Nobles sipping on Starbucks feeling totally CLASSY *giggles*. That's a total insider, but regardless I feel like I'm on top of the world right now. And that's not only because I'm sitting on a second story and everyone out the window looks so small, HA! By now you probably think that I might just need a professional diagnosis and I agree. I might, but oh well. The fact that B&N is playing non stop Christmas songs is sort of comforting. Christmas always manages to make me feel warm and cozy. I also like the fact that the songs aren't some obnoxious tryingtoohard remake, those take the joy out of the season.

I thought I had something ubber profound or knowledgeable to say, but my mind is just blank. So I'll let you guys go. Hope you have a great day and I'll "see you soon then"

WHOA

Just sayin, I GOT A LAPTOP!!

Sigh, finally.

Happy New Year! ...almost

Time fah-liessss by! It seems it's already the middle of December and the last time I posted anything up here was about a month ago. And I do pardon myself to anyone actually reading the few thoughts that make it to these posts. Life has just been very crazy with all the holidays and such, But I'm trying to be good at keeping up with all my responsibilities and this one should be one of them. So I ask that you be patient with me because I am relatively new at this and am also dealing with everything that life throws at you outside of a computer screen.

The new updates in my life are few but I do see myself almost ending my first semester of college pretty soon. Not on the greatest of notes I admit, but that will change. I'm also cutting out all the negative in my life all around. Negative influences, and friends, thoughts and most of all actions. HA! I feel like I'm writing my resolutions already and Christmas has not even gone by (pretty soon but not yet.) I feel as if every time I speak on here I mention something about what the purpose of this blog is but that's because I keep on changing and so do my thoughts. So every new day I feel like focusing on something else. So I guess a good idea were to keep this just as random as my life really is in the hopes that you can find SOMETHING to try and relate to. . .just a thought,

To those that stumble across my mind and stop to read it thank you and until next time.

Cup of tea?

So I forgot about you for a while, and I am so very sorry.
I've been having to deal with the weight that comes with growing up and it's all proving over and over not to be an easy feat. I recently did hours of self analysis to discover that one of the things that was holding me back from my full happiness potential was a stupid past with a stupid boy. Yes, it does sounds a little like the plot of many Hollywood movies, but hey, I've only just become legal. My teenage dream years are not over just yet. And while talking out what I was truly feeling, I realized that moving on was in my hands, it had always been. Of course it sounds simple, but with all of the events and emotions surrounding this kid I had always been left to wonder. To wonder and wish that things worked themselves differently and to figure out what it was that went wrong. To figure out where I had gone wrong. But the thing was that that had always been a trick question, because the one that had done wrong was not me, it had always been him.Coming to terms with the fact that the person I had admired for so long, that I'd wish would look at me the same way I thought I saw him, didn't and never intended to rekindle anything at all was tough. I am still dealing with having to suppress those feelings whenever they try to resurface, but I'll get there and although it may sound crazy, it feels great to know I'm not "the one", because honestly he doesn't deserve me. It's just a matter of making the part of my heart that still wishes on him believe it.

Aside from all the obvious guy related drama going on inside my head, I am just trying to enjoy life. It proves everyday that it is wayy too short and that everyone should live the crap out of it. That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I need to get in tune, firsts with God and then with who in the world this girl right here is suppose to be, which isn't easy. I have many dreams and plans that might lead me to doing something great I just hope and pray that they work and that wherever I end up I never forget God and have loving people around me (all things I feel everyone should have). Hopefully, you reading this do.

Sitting here typing away I think about how lost we truly are, us humans. Being able to rationalize is not always great. Other animals live by instinct and just live to survive, we have to deal with emotions and doubts and all the stress that goes along with surviving. Out in the depths of the jungle all they worry about is how to get from point A to B with out being detected. They don't ever wonder about how to get the bills paid or what to wear, that never crosses their mind. So this truly makes me wonder,  Are we really better off?  Having the ability to choose, it sometimes isn't the best offer. But God knows why I am a young woman and not just an animal, that must mean I am destined for something. Knowing myself, it cannot be anything less than greatness.

In a flash

WHOA. How time has passed. I've been gone for quite a while. The stresses of life have been very, well, stressful. And I sat here with the intention to update you guys on my life and what has been going on for now. But I can only say that one truth in life is that with growing up come changes. I'm undergoing a metamorphoses and if God so wishes for me to let go of certain things and people so be it. I'm going through tough times when it comes to "friends" and the people that surround me and if walking alone, or with less people than I began, then that's fine with me, It's difficult and it hurts, I'm not going to lie. It hurts, and really bad because I'm human and realizing that people I trust could be capable of the things going on puts things into perspective, but oh well. I just think that going forward I will be able to grow from this experience and learn to value and be capable of better judgment. I'm just glad that the people I still have around me are sticking with me till the end.

I'm glad that I didn't blog about it till now and that I'm not putting an emphasis to my feelings anymore. At the end of this I'm realizing this all doesn't truly matter.

Thinking.

So it's been a while and everything so far is the same as it's been. The next phase in my life starts next friday and I still don't have everything ready for school.  Hopefully everything will be in order for the first day of the fall semester.

Today I got to thinking about my surroundings and who I spend my time with. I've always been very family oriented but lately it seems like we're all at each others throats. None of us have been able to just sit down and talk without the conversation turning into a riot and I've even felt out of place with friends. I go through different phases where I feel at peace with my environment and other times I just don't seem to be able to fit in. Starting at a new school is sort of opening my eyes to how i truly spend my time. And while speaking to a friend I discovered that I do desire a change of scene, a new environment (and this included a change of the people around me.)

I'm not sure if i should feel bad about the fact that i don't necessarily want to hang out with the same people and sit around doing the same things. I want to be able to be my own individual and if that means loosing some baggage in the process well, so be it. All I do know is that I need to fly from the nest, and even if that's merely metaphorical speaking it will lead to a brooding of all my horizons and therefore make me take the next step in one of many metamorphoses.

Red light, pause.

It's been a few days and I was tempted to return as soon as I posted my last, but I didn't want it to seem like I was addicted. A couple of days have gone by and I'm not in the greatest of moods but I will say I'm super excited for school to begin. Growing up comes with many responsibilities, but I feel that I might just be capable to face them. I feel as if I'm finally coming to terms with what is next for me. It is weird to have to do things all on ones own, but it gives the heart a sense of belonging. Maybe even the feeling of being needed, even if the need is your own. All I can say is that I am looking forward to what the future can hold and at least for me, for now,  the glass is most definitely half full.

A rambling of the heart.

Earlier on today I can truly say that I did have a mini break down. I sobbed and I can say I was even physically hurting. I'm not going to go ahead and say that everything is okay now because I know for a fact that it isn't, but I am currently in a better mood than I was before. I did a lot of talking to God and even wrote in my journal for a bit and realized that I don't think I'm necessarily happy. I don't really have any true sense of self worth, and I know that is something that I'll have to work on, but I have gone through many events that have broken me and at the time broken who I thought I was and maybe could be.

I have had a strong faith in God since my early childhood. My roots in Christianity run deep, more so now than before (since being older I obviously have a more clear understanding of who God is) but that's not to say that things have gotten any easier. I think that later on I'll get the courage to share some of the things I've gone through and hopefully some of you may relate and switch gears to try and find "the light". All I do know is that there really is a God and although maybe sometimes I do feel as if I might be going at it alone, but that doesn't mean that I am, or in retrospect that we are. I feel that in order to move forward we must let go of the past, and that isn't something I've proven to be good at. There are many things left unsaid to many of those that have touched my life. And many things that (vulgarly speaking) I just haven't had the balls to say. I was never truly honest with anyone in the sense that I never said what I truly felt, therefore not even being honest with my own self. Now, and going onward I know that is something I must work on because I can't bear to live with all my feelings lurking over my head. But going back to the BIG man in the sky, that is one of the things that the Church teaches you first: You are never alone.

It's hard to believe especially when situations in life are difficult and out of control, but it all goes down to faith. The faith that things will get better and that these events and all the craziness of the world is somehow molding us and making us stronger. But God knows what he does and what he allows to happen in our lives. And many of the things that we feel are unfair come to us in our own disobedience (but that's like common knowledge) like the idiom says "Play with fire, you will get burned". And many of you may call me crazy or maybe think that what I say means nothing. But for that one person out there who might just come across this, if you feel like you're going through difficult times and you really don't know what to do anymore. If you feel like you honestly can't anymore and you feel lonely and maybe like you don' t fit in anywhere (even in your family), I'm here to tell you those are all things I feel too and there is a God that watches over you and is waiting for you to just acknowledge that he's been there the whole time. To you, reading this right now,

You. Are not. Alone.

Seasons.

They come and go, and no matter how cliche that may sound, it is indeed true. While thinking of a name for this blog, I tried to sum up the state in which my life finds itself. And the best thing I could conjure up was "A new leaf," all in all the statement is true. Although not as witty and clever as most, but true.

Taking a step back to review my current condition at the moment, I would say (in the words of a friend) that life right now is organized chaos. Everything is seemingly in place but at the same time out of control. I am anxious of what awaits me next but still trying to close the last chapter of my life, High School. Yes, four years of trial and error and "growing up".One thing I do know is that my experience was not like those in every other Hollywood movie. HS in New York City is rough, especially if the school is not of prestigious reputation and being in an urban environment also affects the whole experience. There were no "mean girls" or ubber peppy cheerleaders. The smart kids weren't called nerds and the artsy ones definitely did not walk around in tribal formation. Being in the city forced kids to mingle even if at the end of the day they went back to the niche. And when kids "picked" on one another it wasn't only nasty remarks or silly pranks. Fights blew out and even stolen work was an issue. HS was nothing to joke about, a cruel, cold, dark place. Where we all managed to make friends and build memories that would (could) last a lifetime. But if you played your cards right (which i did, most of the time) you would be out at the end of four years time. And the irony in it all was that graduation always turned out a very melancholic event. Filled with tears and hugs, laughter and celebration all with relief and underlying panic of what was to come for most of us, a Higher Education.

So HS is over. What now?
I am looking forward to college now that August 26th is well on its way, but I am anxious to see what it'll be like. So much so that maybe I wish I was born a year later so that I would be a senior instead of  a freshman once more. What kills the most is all the "back to school" propaganda, commercials and department store sales that remind me again of when I was, "in the system". I do know that I will feel some sort of nostalgia when I walk through those doors, but what I do think of most now is what lies beyond it. What my future holds and what's to become of my life.

How I spend the next four years will determine a lot about the turnout of my existence. I just hope that I spend the time wisely and pray to God that He helps me find my way to my true calling.