Earlier on today I can truly say that I did have a mini break down. I sobbed and I can say I was even physically hurting. I'm not going to go ahead and say that everything is okay now because I know for a fact that it isn't, but I am currently in a better mood than I was before. I did a lot of talking to God and even wrote in my journal for a bit and realized that I don't think I'm necessarily happy. I don't really have any true sense of self worth, and I know that is something that I'll have to work on, but I have gone through many events that have broken me and at the time broken who I thought I was and maybe could be.
I have had a strong faith in God since my early childhood. My roots in Christianity run deep, more so now than before (since being older I obviously have a more clear understanding of who God is) but that's not to say that things have gotten any easier. I think that later on I'll get the courage to share some of the things I've gone through and hopefully some of you may relate and switch gears to try and find "the light". All I do know is that there really is a God and although maybe sometimes I do feel as if I might be going at it alone, but that doesn't mean that I am, or in retrospect that we are. I feel that in order to move forward we must let go of the past, and that isn't something I've proven to be good at. There are many things left unsaid to many of those that have touched my life. And many things that (vulgarly speaking) I just haven't had the balls to say. I was never truly honest with anyone in the sense that I never said what I truly felt, therefore not even being honest with my own self. Now, and going onward I know that is something I must work on because I can't bear to live with all my feelings lurking over my head. But going back to the BIG man in the sky, that is one of the things that the Church teaches you first: You are never alone.
It's hard to believe especially when situations in life are difficult and out of control, but it all goes down to faith. The faith that things will get better and that these events and all the craziness of the world is somehow molding us and making us stronger. But God knows what he does and what he allows to happen in our lives. And many of the things that we feel are unfair come to us in our own disobedience (but that's like common knowledge) like the idiom says "Play with fire, you will get burned". And many of you may call me crazy or maybe think that what I say means nothing. But for that one person out there who might just come across this, if you feel like you're going through difficult times and you really don't know what to do anymore. If you feel like you honestly can't anymore and you feel lonely and maybe like you don' t fit in anywhere (even in your family), I'm here to tell you those are all things I feel too and there is a God that watches over you and is waiting for you to just acknowledge that he's been there the whole time. To you, reading this right now,
You. Are not. Alone.
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